Shocking Tuesday Tangle: Trump Doubles Down on “Buy Greenland,” Threatens Canada, and Eyes the Panama Canal

It’s January 7, 2025, and I’m wedged behind a Mar-a-Lago palm tree still draped with leftover holiday tinsel.

President-elect Donald Trump just ended a “press conference” that was supposed to announce a shiny $20bn investment from Dubai’s Damac Properties for data centers.

Instead, it morphed into a real estate fantasy show in which Trump threatened to buy, annex, or forcibly acquire pretty much everything north, south, and watery in between.

Greenland Revisited: “Let’s Just Do It!”

Yes, the Greenland saga is back like a cheesy sequel nobody asked for.

Trump hammered Denmark again, claiming “Greenland is critical to our economic security,” and refusing to rule out “military or economic force” to get it.

An aide confided to me, “Is he going to parachute in with ‘FOR SALE’ signs?”

The President-elect even trotted out a map scribbled with new city names—“Trumpland Fjord,” “Ivankaville,” and, unbelievably, “MAGA Mines.” Subtle.

Meanwhile, Trump Jr. is apparently in Nuuk on a “personal day trip,” presumably scoping out prime spots for a Trump Tower or something. The Danes, of course, remain politely horrified, telling him to scram.

Staffers in the Transitionarium just roll their eyes: “Welcome to the 2025 Greenland re-run.”

Canada: “They Should Be a State”

Next in the crosshairs? Canada.

Over the weekend, Trump decided the 5,500-mile border was “artificially drawn,” which apparently justifies US annexation.

He ranted, “We spend billions defending them—it’s time they pay up or join us!” Then he singled out Canadian lumber, dairy, and cars as “unfair.”

Outgoing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau retorted, “There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell.”

In the hallway, someone quipped, “Maybe we can rename Quebec ‘Trumpec.’” Another staffer moaned, “He’s literally planning to do to Canada what he did to Atlantic City, but times a thousand.”

Everyone braced for a press meltdown, but Trump seemed thrilled at the idea: “One big happy family, right?”

“Give Me Back My Canal!”

And as if that wasn’t enough, Trump resurrected the “I want the Panama Canal” rant. “We built it—why’d Carter give it away?” he fumed.

He insisted China had taken over (“They’re all over the place!”) while the actual Panamanian president politely says, “Nope, it’s ours, not China’s. Please calm down.”

Here in the Transitionarium, rumor has it Trump envisions a “Make Panama Ours Again” plan, with added fireworks.

A staffer overheard him brainstorming with a junior legal advisor: “Can we just ‘Eminent Domain’ the canal?” The advisor’s face turned the color of old cheese—she had no answer.

A Press Conference for… Data Centers?

Lest we forget, the original reason for the press conference was Damac’s $20bn data center announcement.

The poor company rep tried to talk about cloud computing, but Trump steamrolled him, ranting about “excessive environmental regs,” how “wind turbines are driving whales crazy,” and some random conspiracy theory linking Hezbollah to the 2021 Capitol riot.

By the time the Damac exec got a mic, half the reporters had turned to the real story: Trump’s global Monopoly game.

Sorry, data center man—maybe next time.

Inside the Transitionarium: No Boring Days

Back behind the gold-trimmed curtains, staffers are half-laughing, half-panicking.

“He’s dead serious,” whispers one, referencing the Greenland and Canada fantasies. Another wonders if he’ll rename the Gulf of Mexico, as rumored, to “Gulf of America,” or maybe even “Trump Gulf.”

Overheard near the snack table: “Is he going to buy the whole planet next? I’m so tired.”

Will Denmark get a door-to-door sales pitch from Trump Jr.?

Will Canada deploy an army of moose to defend its border?

Will Panama throw a canal-themed party to mock the U.S.?

All of it’s on the table, apparently.

And we in the Transitionarium just nibble stale donuts, scribbling frantic notes, hoping to keep up with a man who sees the entire hemisphere as his next real estate conquest.

Tune in next time for more surreal expansion fantasies—and perhaps a cameo from Elon Musk, who might propose a “Moon State” for all we know. Until then, we’ll be polishing our “Welcome to Trumpec” signs and bracing for the next barrage of borderline comedic decrees.

Yours in Maple Syrup Meltdowns and Canal Conundrums,

The Anonymous Transitionarium Insider