Episode 9: A Giuliani in Need Is a Melania Deed

It was a brisk morning outside Trump Tower, the usual scene of bustling tourists snapping selfies and interns dodging pigeons with MAGA caps in their beaks.

Inside, the Transitionarium hummed with activity: Jared was stress-sculpting Play-Doh models of the United Nations, and Eric was giving a PowerPoint titled How to Make Greenland Pay Rent. 

All was relatively normal—until Melania returned from her weekly “Alone Time Stroll.”

Part 1: The Sidewalk Surprise

The First Lady-to-be swept through the golden revolving doors, her sunglasses perched dramatically on her nose. Clutching a sleek white handbag that likely cost more than Rudy Giuliani’s last legal retainer, she announced:

“Donald. Rudy is... how do you say... hanging around outside.”

Confused, we peered out the window. Sure enough, there was Rudy Giuliani, hunched over on the sidewalk next to an empty coffee cup with a hand-scrawled sign that read:

“WILL CONSULT FOR HAIR DYE AND LOOSE CHANGE. NO FRAUD.”

Melania sighed. “He asked if I had any ‘spare gold coins.’ I told him, I am not Mario Kart.”

Part 2: The Trump Reaction

The news hit Trump mid-bite of his breakfast taco bowl (“I’m multicultural!” he announced earlier). He froze, dropped his fork, and declared, “Get him inside! We can’t have Rudy out there looking like a loser. He’s the America’s Mayor! Also, he’s ruining the vibe. Very un-chic.”

Eric, excited for a new assignment, bolted out the door to retrieve Rudy. Moments later, Rudy stumbled into the Transitionarium, clutching his now-iconic coffee-stained tie and muttering something about “the deep state controlling the price of Just for Men.”

Part 3: The Makeover Mission

Melania, ever the reluctant do-gooder, took charge, leading an emergency Giuliani Glow-Up Meeting in the Aesthetic Crisis Suite (a room normally reserved for wardrobe malfunctions during press events). Armed with a team of Trump Tower stylists, she got to work.

“Step one,” she announced, “is the hair. His head looks like... how you say... molting chicken?”

A junior stylist rushed in with three bottles of imported hair dye while another produced a tray of eyebrow stencils. Melania tapped her chin thoughtfully, finally instructing the team to “go for distinguished raccoon, but classy.”

Rudy, meanwhile, insisted on contributing to his own rehabilitation, attempting to write his own press release titled Why I Wasn’t Actually Homeless, Just Performing Street Theater. Jared promptly confiscated it.

Part 4: The Giuliani Reboot

Three hours later, Rudy emerged from the Aesthetic Crisis Suite looking... marginally better. His hair was now a consistent shade of dark brown (albeit a little shiny), and his suit had been upgraded to one with buttons that actually closed. The team even handed him a “prop briefcase” so he could look like he was en route to an important legal consultation instead of, say, a discount spaghetti buffet.

Melania, inspecting him critically, declared, “Good enough. Now go find job. Or hobby. Maybe both.”

Part 5: Trump’s Grand Gesture

Trump, delighted by the transformation, insisted on making it a PR moment. He ordered the staff to organize an impromptu press conference in the Victory Atrium, where Rudy would stand beside him as a “symbol of the administration’s commitment to second chances.”

Rudy, thrilled at the chance to get back in Trump’s orbit, nearly ruined the moment by referring to himself as “The Phoenix of Fifth Avenue.” But Trump quickly cut him off, announcing:

“Rudy’s back. Better than ever. People said he was down and out. Wrong! Fake news. Look at this guy—he’s a fighter. Also, we fixed his hair. Tremendous hair, by the way. Bigly improvement!”

Part 6: The Fallout

The press, naturally, had a field day. Headlines ranged from the sympathetic (Giuliani's Redemption Arc?) to the gleeful (From America's Mayor to Trump's Charity Case). Late-night hosts launched into a frenzy of jokes about Rudy’s street antics, including a skit where a Giuliani impersonator attempted to sell “discount subpoenas” out of a trench coat.

Rudy, unfazed, announced he was “back in business” and teased a forthcoming podcast titled Rudy Unfiltered: Legal Genius, Street Survivor.

Part 7: Coming Attractions

Back in the Transitionarium, Trump declared the Giuliani rescue mission a resounding success. “This is the kind of leadership I bring. People say, ‘Oh, Rudy’s done.’ I say, ‘Not on my watch!’ Now, someone get me a Diet Coke and figure out how we can turn this into a Netflix special.”

As for me, I’ve been reassigned to coordinate the Rudy Rehabilitation PR Tour, which so far includes a speech circuit, a holiday calendar photo shoot (Rudy as December: Santa in a pinstripe suit), and a tentative TED Talk titled How to Fall Upwards.

Stay tuned for next time, when I’ll likely be managing Rudy’s inevitable slip-up or overseeing his audition for Dancing with the Stars.

Yours in caffeine and chaos,
Sympathy Strategist, Mascara Wrangler, and Reluctant Phoenix Handler