Episode 8: Tulsi, Tiaras, and the Intelligence Glow-Up

It was just another day in the Trump Tower Transitionarium, where the air smelled of ambition, freshly printed executive orders, and an unmistakable undertone of Axe body spray (Eric swears it’s his “power scent”).

I had just finished refilling the office's “Patriot Mugs” with MAGA-branded espresso pods when the boss swept into the Deciderium—a chandeliered war room that features a life-sized cutout of Teddy Roosevelt in gold foil.

“People,” Trump announced, slapping a stack of résumés onto the Decision Throne (an oversized chair upholstered in faux-leather dossiers), “we need a Director of National Intelligence. And not just any director. I’m talking... a showstopper!”

Part 1: The Brainstorm Blowout

The room fell silent. Trump’s eyes scanned the table as if waiting for someone to leap up with a genius suggestion. Jared Kushner, visibly sweating, flipped through an intelligence report and muttered something about “stability.”

“Wrong vibe, Jared,” Trump interrupted, shaking his head. “We don’t need stability. We need pizazz. Intelligence with sparkle. Get me Tulsi!”

Yes, Tulsi Gabbard. Former Congresswoman, frequent cable news lightning rod, and—most importantly—someone Trump referred to as “the woman who looks great in camo and probably knows ninjas.”

The room erupted into a frenzy of sycophantic agreement. “Brilliant!” shouted Kellyanne Conway. “Genius!” added Eric, whose job at this point seems to be nodding while occasionally gesturing at graphs no one asked for.

Part 2: The Tulsi Talent Showcase

Within hours, the Intelligence Beauty Pageant was underway, rebranded internally as Operation Glow Up. Staff transformed the Deciderium into a glitzy stage complete with velvet curtains, fog machines, and an oversized globe spinning under a disco ball.

Tulsi arrived to what can only be described as a WWE-style entrance, complete with pyrotechnics and the soundtrack of Eye of the Tiger. Rudy Giuliani, acting as master of ceremonies, welcomed her with a heartfelt speech titled Why Tulsi is Both Smart AND Fabulous.

Tulsi dazzled with a three-part presentation:

1. Intelligence is the New Black: A TED-style talk on why national security should be “both chic and strategic.”

2. A live demonstration of her surfing skills via hologram (to emphasize her “wave-riding approach to global stability”).

3. A Q&A session during which she fielded questions like, “Can we spy on Elon Musk?” and “How do we make satellites more MAGA?”

By the end of the evening, she had secured unanimous approval—largely because no one else wanted to present PowerPoints titled “Why I’m Better Than Tulsi.”

Part 3: The Announcement That Shocked No One

The next morning, Trump gathered the press pool in the Gold Briefing Atrium, a room filled with velvet ropes and a podium shaped like a bald eagle mid-soar.

“Tulsi Gabbard!” Trump bellowed, hands spread wide as if announcing a pageant winner. “She’s tough, she’s sharp, and she’s got that thing. You know the thing. We’re making intelligence fashionable again!”

Tulsi took the stage, looking both confident and slightly confused. She made a brief statement about her commitment to modernizing intelligence and “ensuring that America always has the most fabulous spies.” Then, in a moment of improvisation that shocked even her, she promised to install “surfboards on submarines.” The crowd went wild.

Part 4: The Fallout and the Denials

As the world reacted, some skeptics questioned Tulsi’s qualifications. But Trump dismissed critics with a tweet:

Meanwhile, the Kremlin released yet another cryptic statement: “We do not know what a Tulsi is. Russia is focused on... other things.” Experts are still debating whether this was a diplomatic dig or just Putin’s way of trolling.

Back in the Transitionarium, the staff scrambled to update the Success Tracker. Ivanka added “Tulsi Glow-Up: DONE” to the wall in glittery gold letters. Jared, meanwhile, quietly Googled “surfboard submarines” to see if they were feasible.

Part 5: Coming Attractions

As the dust settles, whispers are emerging about Trump’s next big move: rethinking the CIA’s branding under Tulsi’s leadership. Early prototypes include holographic business cards, drones that play the national anthem, and a new motto: Spying. Winning. Always Fabulous.

Stay tuned, because in Trump World, even espionage comes with a side of sequins.

Yours in glitter and submarines,
Intelligence Nominating Genius, Coffee Cart Coordinator, and Reluctant Pageant Judge