Episode 7: The Greenland Gambit

This morning, I was in the Trump Tower Transitionarium’s International Strategy Lounge—a room modeled after a private jet cabin, complete with faux sky views and seatbelt-fastened leather recliners.

My task?

Ensuring there were enough red, white, and blue jellybeans in the Victory Bowl. It was supposed to be a quiet day.

But then came The Call.

Part 1: The Love Line to Moscow

Around 10 a.m., Trump burst into the room wearing a “Make Greenland Great Again” ballcap and declared, “Get Vlad on the line. I’ve got a HUGE deal he won’t be able to resist.”

What followed was an extended game of international telephone tag. Putin, who reportedly was “in an ice bath,” finally picked up. The room fell silent as Trump began the most enthusiastic diplomatic pitch in history, pacing back and forth and gesturing wildly, even though only half the room could hear him.

“Vlad! My favorite strongman. How’s the weather? Freezing? Love that for you. Listen, I’ve got a bigly idea, a tremendous idea. You give me Ukraine, I’ll give you Greenland. Both win, no losers. Just like we like it!”

The call then took a turn nobody expected.

“You hang up first,” Trump said, smirking at the room.

“No, you hang up first,” came Putin’s voice faintly through the speaker.

This went on for 25 minutes. Jared Kushner started a betting pool on who would cave first (spoiler: Jared won, because Putin abruptly hung up while Trump was practicing his Russian accent).

Part 2: Greenland for Ukraine: A Trump Masterpiece

Immediately after the call, Trump marched into the Golden Announcement Chamber (formerly the broom closet) and summoned the press for a “breaking news extravaganza.”

Standing in front of a banner that read “Deal of the Century: Vlad & Don’s Ice Trade,” Trump made the following proclamations:

1. Putin agreed to hand over Ukraine, “gift-wrapped and ready to win.”

2. Greenland was “basically ours anyway,” but giving it to Russia would ensure “permanent bestie status.”

3. Trump had personally solved “every geopolitical problem ever” in under 40 minutes.

The room erupted in applause—mostly from Eric Trump, who had brought his own clapping machine for maximum impact.

Part 3: Moscow Says “Who’s Donald?”

Meanwhile, international media lit up with denials from the Kremlin. Not only did Putin deny agreeing to anything, but he also claimed he’d “never heard of this ‘Trump’ person” and was “allergic to phone calls.”

Fox News went into overdrive, airing segments titled The Greenland Genius: Why Putin’s Memory Must Be Bad while interns in the Situation Room worked feverishly to create a “Vlad Was Totally Here” highlight reel featuring stock photos of Putin near phones.

To save face, Rudy Giuliani held a press conference outside the Transitionarium in front of a hastily printed banner that read, “Phone Calls Are Real.” His main points:

1. Putin’s denial was “probably a joke.”

2. Trump had personally taught Putin everything about geography, so Putin clearly owed him.

3. The real scandal was “the deep state’s plot to keep Greenland un-purchased.”

Part 4: The Aftermath

Back in the Transitionarium, Trump was unfazed. “They’ll come around,” he said while doodling snowmen on a map of Europe. “Greenland’s already basically American. We’ll put a Trump Tower on it before Christmas!”

To distract from the Greenland kerfuffle, the team brainstormed alternate headlines for tomorrow’s news cycle. Ideas included:

• Operation Ice King: Trump’s Arctic Vision

• Ukraine Liberation: Thank You, Don!

• Greenland Standoff: A Master Negotiator at Work

Meanwhile, my role as Diplomatic Dial Tone Analyst expanded to include overseeing “The Global Praise Initiative.” My first assignment? Finding ways to make Denmark jealous enough to “beg us to take Greenland back.”

Part 5: Teaser for Next Time

As I sign off, whispers of the next major event are growing louder. Rumor has it Trump’s preparing for a Polar Parade and Real Estate Expo in Greenland. Featuring Ivanka’s “Arctic Chic” collection and a live reindeer photo op, the event promises to be “the most festive annexation in history.”

Stay tuned, because when you work for Trump, the ice is always thin—and gilded.

Yours in absurdity and Arctic jellybeans,
Diplomatic Dial Tone Analyst, Snack Procurement Specialist, and Part-Time Map Labeler