Episode 6: The Transition Team Tango

Let me set the scene: the newly rechristened Trump Tower Transitionarium—a sprawling office-suite-meets-palatial-buffet—was abuzz with what could generously be described as “productive chaos.”

It was day three of "Operation Smooth Handover (or Else)," and the former president-turned-president-elect was in rare form, gliding between rooms in a custom-made red velvet robe embroidered with “The Comeback King.”

His gold-plated clipboard clattered in one hand; the other was reserved exclusively for Diet Coke refills delivered on a silver tray by a harried intern named Derek.

Part 1: The Team That Sparkles

We kicked off with the Transition Team Formation Strategy Jam, held in the Tower’s infamous “Ivory Brainstorm Pit,” which features plush white leather couches shaped like question marks. Trump, surrounded by his inner circle—dubbed the "Golden Squad"—set the tone.

“All right, people,” he boomed, gesturing dramatically at a gold-encrusted easel displaying a sketch of a jet labeled "Air Trump One: Back in Business." “We need a team that screams WINNING. Not just winners. No! Glorious winners. Think glitter. Think G-O-L-D!”

Susie Wiles, our freshly minted White House Chief of Staff, nodded solemnly while clutching a legal pad emblazoned with the words, “Genius Notes.” Her primary task? Filtering Trump's ideas into something “vaguely executable.”

I was personally in charge of arranging The Great Cabinet Alignment Ceremony, a hybrid of musical chairs and a talent show. Elise Stefanik wowed everyone with a heartfelt monologue titled Why I’m the Right Choice for the U.N. (spoiler: it involved three standing ovations and an interpretive dance about sanctions). Meanwhile, Mike Waltz impressed with a PowerPoint called National Security for Winners that featured 17 eagles and a bullet-point titled "No More Losers."

Part 2: A Global Congratulations Conundrum

As congratulations from world leaders poured in, Trump declared it was essential to “rank them by enthusiasm.” French President Emmanuel Macron’s formal congratulations earned a lukewarm “meh” from Trump (“He still owes me that apology for the handshake incident”). Meanwhile, Netanyahu secured a top spot with a video message where he held up a golden “MAGA 2024” yarmulke.

To handle the influx, Jared Kushner was tasked with creating a Global Friendship Scoreboard in the Tower’s Situation Room. The scoring system factored in gift-giving (bonus points for anything gold), number of exclamation marks in tweets, and overall "vibes."

Rumor has it Jared spent three hours arguing with Rudy Giuliani about whether Vladimir Putin deserved a “Loyalist Legacy” bonus. ("He DID wish us luck in '16," Rudy insisted while sipping a martini labeled “Victory Juice.”)

Part 3: Immigration Policy Reboot, a.k.a. “The Travel Ban Twist”

Monday morning, Trump summoned the team to the Mar-a-Lago-themed conference room, outfitted with golden palm tree sculptures and a waterfall that plays My Way on a loop.

“This is going to be huge,” Trump announced, unveiling his plan to reinstate immigration policies from his first term. A working group, dubbed “Team Wall 2.0,” immediately set to work drafting executive orders while also fielding Trump’s “totally brilliant” ideas. These included:

1. Rebranding deportation as a “De-Luxe Relocation Plan.”

2. Creating "MAGA Express Checkpoints," featuring velvet ropes and “Not Fraudulent” stickers.

3. Introducing a 24-karat "Travel Ban Badge," which, according to Trump, “makes security classy.”

Eric Trump was put in charge of ensuring that all policy announcements were accompanied by a dramatic entrance, complete with smoke machines and triumphant trumpets. “Presentation is key,” he said, practicing his confetti cannon technique.

Part 4: Coming Attractions

By the end of the day, the Transitionarium was running at full tilt. The staff scrambled to update the Trump Success Tracker, a 10-foot scoreboard featuring gold stars for every “win.”

As I sign off, whispers are swirling about tomorrow’s agenda: a Unity Photo Op involving puppies, Elon Musk, and the phrase “rebranding global harmony.” But my next assignment looms large: coordinating “Victory Lap Fridays,” which involves hiring pyrotechnics experts and someone to manage a rotating throne for press briefings.

Stay tuned—because if there’s one thing the Trump Tower Transitionarium does well, it’s deliver the unexpected (usually on a gold platter).

Yours in glitter and chaos,
The Waffle Czar (on probation until further notice)