Episode 26: Paris is Not Paris (Texas)

Trump’s arrival in Paris—yes, the real Paris, France—was supposed to be a dignified step toward restoring alliances, commemorating Notre-Dame’s reopening, and all that jazz.

Instead, the Transitionarium staff braced for disaster from the moment he stepped off the plane muttering, “Y’all sure this ain’t Paris, Texas? Everyone’s got these funny accents.”

He had initially insisted that he was simply making a joke, but when he started asking if there was a rodeo in town, we knew he was serious.

Part 1: Un Français Faux Pas

In the Golden Briefing Atrium’s makeshift Paris operations hub, we watched the live feed of Trump meeting French President Emmanuel Macron and Prince William, who’d flown in for the ceremony.

Instead of a smooth diplomatic encounter, we got this gem:

Macron: “Welcome, Mr. President-elect. Paris is honored to have you.”
Trump, squinting: “You know, this Paris looks awful fancy for Texas. Did you folks remodel the Eiffel Tower out here? Never seen one in Texas before. Could use a Taco Bell around the corner, though. I’ll talk to Governor Abbott about it.”

Staffers facepalmed en masse. Jared Kushner slid down his chair. Ivanka looked away, pretending to study her phone.

Part 2: The Royal Rendezvous

Then came Prince William. The cameras zoomed in as Trump patted the Prince of Wales on the shoulder, calling him a “good man” and saying “fantastic job” like he was addressing a local golf caddy.

“Harry!” Trump exclaimed, leaning in, his voice conspiratorial, “How you been? How’s Meghan? She still around? Y’know, too bad I never met her when she was younger, slimmer, and prettier. What a looker back then, right?”

Prince William’s eyes widened in horror. The staff in Paris and back in the Transitionarium practically choked on their collective oxygen supply. William stammered, “I’m William, sir… Meghan is my sister-in-law, married to Harry.”
Trump waved his hand dismissively, “Oh, Harry, William… you Windsor folks all look alike. Listen, say hi to Meghan. Lovely gal, I’m sure, but maybe we can send her a spa gift card? Work off some of that… stress.”

The Prince’s polite smile barely concealed his mortification.

Part 3: The Queen Confusion

As if that wasn’t enough, Trump leaned closer to William and asked, “So, how’s your mom, the Queen? Gotta say, she’s a great lady. Love her. Had tea with her. She knighted me twice, you know. That’s something they don’t tell you. Twice!”

William forced a chuckle, “My grandmother, sir. The late Queen Elizabeth was my grandmother.”

Trump, not hearing or not caring: “Right, right, your mother, the Queen. Sorry about that, tough break losing her. Wonderful woman. Real classy. So, when do I get invited back to Buckingham? I could do a big event—maybe a golf fundraiser on the Palace lawn, huh?”

At this, Prince William’s face went from pale to translucent. Back in the Transitionarium, we contemplated the diplomatic damage control that would be needed. Kellyanne Conway scribbled note after note: “Issue clarifications—Trump’s memory off?” Jared texted frantic apologies to God-knows-who.

Part 4: The Ceremony at Notre-Dame

Meanwhile, outside, world leaders and dignitaries gathered for the ceremonial reopening of Notre-Dame. Ukrainian President Zelensky, Dr. Jill Biden, and a host of others listened intently as Macron delivered a speech on fragility and humility. Trump, still puzzled by the accents, whispered loudly to William, “I’m telling ya, they all sound like they’re gargling marbles. This sure ain’t Texas.”

William attempted to guide Trump through the solemn event. Trump nodded occasionally, asking if Meghan would show up to sing, or if they had any barbecue stands around. The Prince’s polite laughter grew forced, but he soldiered on.

Part 5: The After-Party at the Ambassador’s Residence

Afterwards, at the British ambassador’s Paris residence, Trump and William had a formal sit-down. William, struggling to regain dignity, asked about US-UK relations. Trump responded with a lengthy anecdote about the first time he tried French fries in Texas and how that must mean the French and Texans are basically cousins.

Kensington Palace sources would later describe the meeting as “warm and friendly,” presumably out of sheer diplomatic mercy. Staff inside the Transitionarium knew the truth: it was a train wreck in slow motion.

Part 6: Coming Attractions

By the time Trump boarded the plane back to the States, the damage was done. William would have hours to reflect on being called Harry, hearing inappropriate remarks about Meghan, and listening to Trump’s bizarre claims about knighthoods and Texan-French relations.

In the Transitionarium, we braced for the headlines, the international confusion, and the frantic attempts to reassure the UK and France that this was all just a big misunderstanding.

Would William forgive this?

Would Macron’s speech on humility hold new meaning after Trump’s cultural confusion?

Probably not, but in Trump World, another day meant another scandal, another round of damage control, and another baffled royal.

Yours in perplexed diplomacy and awkward alliances,
International Etiquette Coordinator and Royal Confusion Wrangler