Episode 24: The Greenland Ice Wall

Just when we thought the Transitionarium had reached maximum absurdity, Trump unveiled his latest masterstroke: he’d learned that Greenland, the island he’d once toyed with buying, was not the lush green paradise he’d envisioned, but rather a colossal slab of ice—thick, ancient, and notoriously stubborn.

Instead of giving up on his Greenland dreams, he latched onto an even wilder plan: relocating Greenland’s impenetrable ice to form a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border.

Part 1: The Revelation

“Greenland is full of ice!” Trump exclaimed at dawn, barging into the Golden Briefing Atrium wearing a fur-trimmed coat he’d hastily ordered off Amazon. “Solid ice, very deep, can’t even drill through it!” He sounded almost proud of this geological factoid, as if he had discovered it himself.

Staffers exchanged wary glances. Jared Kushner cleared his throat, “Sir, Greenland’s ice is famously tough and, uh, stationary. It’s not something you can just move…”
Trump waved him off. “Nonsense! If we can’t drill it, it’s perfect for a wall. Impenetrable. We’ll just… move it.”

Part 2: The Unthinkable Relocation

While Kellyanne Conway tried to explain the logistical nightmares—transporting millions of tons of ice across oceans, the environmental havoc, the fact that Mexico is hot—Trump fingered a globe, tapping Greenland’s icy mass like a child deciding where to put a fridge magnet.
“We’ll cut it out. Like a slice of cake. Then we sail it down and plop it on the border,” Trump said, as if describing furniture rearrangement.

Eric Trump, trying to be helpful, whispered, “But Dad, won’t it melt?”
Trump frowned. “We’ll get big refrigerators. Industrial ones. Problem solved.”

Part 3: The Private Alternative

The staff retreated to the Ivory Brainstorm Pit to whisper and scheme. Greenland’s relocation idea was clearly doomed—how to dissuade him? Perhaps offer an alternative. Kellyanne lowered her voice, “We need a plan B. Something he’ll think is even stronger than ice…”
Jared nodded, “We have those 800 million unsold Trump Bibles sitting in storage. They’re basically unused bricks at this point.”
Kellyanne smiled. “A Bible wall. Symbolic, strong, and we get rid of unwanted inventory. Perfect.”

Part 4: The Bible Brick Proposal

The next morning, a few of us cautiously floated the idea: “Sir, while we work on the Greenland relocation, maybe consider a temporary measure—a Bible wall. These Bibles are tough, thick, and we have millions. Think about it: no one would dare cross a holy barrier. It’s genius.”

Trump tilted his head, considering. “A wall of Bibles? Well, it does send a message. Very religious. Very moral. Strong support from the base, probably.” He rubbed his chin, imagining photo-ops and headlines: “TRUMP BUILDS BIBLE WALL: HOLY DEFENSE!”

“Of course,” Kellyanne added quickly, “We’ll still proceed with Greenland. Just a… preliminary measure. A backup, really.”

Part 5: Rationality Slips Away

In the ensuing hours, maps were drawn, diagrams drafted. Eric tried to visualize a tower of Bibles fifteen feet high and stretching across a thousand miles of border. Jared worried about stability—would King James editions be sturdier than the new translations? Melania, strangely silent, simply watched, arms folded, perhaps already envisioning Bible-themed photo shoots.

Outside, reporters clamored for an explanation. Rumors of an “Ice Wall” and a “Bible Barricade” leaked out. Commentators on cable news openly questioned the sanity of these proposals. Late-night comedians circled like sharks. Meanwhile, inside, Trump was unfazed, humming to himself while comparing pictures of glaciers and scripture verses.

Part 6: Coming Attractions

We left the day with no firm decision.

Was Greenland going to be carved up like a giant ice sculpture?

Would shiploads of Bibles sail south to become a theological barrier?

Both, perhaps. Nothing was off the table.

This was Trump World: where migrating ice continents and turning unwanted merchandise into border fortifications were just Tuesday’s brainstorming session.

Tomorrow might bring more “realistic” ideas—like training penguins to patrol the border or using holograms of Mount Rushmore as a deterrent.

For now, we lived in a realm where no suggestion was too outlandish, and every insane idea could always be replaced by an even crazier one.

Yours in holy fortifications and floating ice fantasies,
Arctic Relocation Advisor and Bible Brick Architect