Episode 22: The Cabinet of Curious Characters

Today, the Transitionarium felt quieter, like the hush before a thunderstorm.

Fresh off the chaos of Rudy’s merchandise misadventures and Melania’s inscrutable island grin, I retreated to the Deciderium’s back corner—a place known for its “Deep Sighing Couch.”

With a heavy binder in hand, I prepared to review Trump’s newest appointments and nominees.

The idea was to inspire confidence.

Instead, it inspired… well, something else entirely …

Part 1: The List Unveiled

The pages crackled as I flipped through roster after roster of fresh names. On paper, this should have been a moment of clarity and direction. Instead, my stomach churned. We’d seen wild picks before, but this was a smorgasbord of improbabilities.

Hedge fund execs, TV hosts, political strategists turned Cabinet secretaries. It was as though we’d raided the cast lists of reality TV shows, cable news panels, and long-shot Senate campaigns to populate the highest levels of American governance.

I glanced up, meeting the eyes of Kellyanne Conway, who stood nearby with a look that said, “Don’t ask.” Jared hovered in the background, fiddling nervously with his phone. Ivanka pretended to admire a painting, but I caught the flicker of concern on her face. Even Eric, usually enthusiastic, stared gloomily at a half-finished PowerPoint he’d titled “Why This Might Be Fine?”

Part 2: Chief of Staff and the Cabinet of Wonders

Susie Wiles—a veteran campaign hand—was now Chief of Staff, making history as the first woman in that role. On the surface, not bad, right? Except in this environment, her credentials only highlighted the strangeness around her.

Secretary of State Rubio? Sure, he’d been a Senator, but the man once compared Trump’s hand size at a debate. Now he’d be top diplomat, presumably dealing with subtle negotiations and not size jokes.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent? A hedge fund wizard—perfect if our economic policy is “bet it all on black.”

Part 3: The Deeper We Go

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, last seen declaring his boozy patriotism in the Transitionarium’s halls. Attorney General Pam Bondi, who once looked the other way on fraud complaints and endorsed miracle cures on talk shows. Secretary of HHS Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose vaccine skepticism would now shape our public health policies. I could almost hear Dr. Fauci’s resigned groan echoing in the ether.

We scrolled further: HUD Secretary Scott Turner, a motivational speaker, set to handle housing crises. Linda McMahon at Education—could we expect WrestleMania reading programs? Dr. Oz at CMS—would Medicare now cover green tea cleanses and chakra realignment?

Part 4: Stares of Despair

The staff was silent. We were all absorbing the gravity of this lineup. Ivanka finally broke the silence, voice low: “This… this is… quite the team.”
Jared nodded, pale. “Yes. Quite.”

Kellyanne cleared her throat, trying to spin a positive angle: “We have a diverse group of thinkers, disruptors…” She trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.
Eric whispered, “At least we know their names?” before cringing at his own attempt at optimism.

We imagined the headlines, the late-night comedy routines, the international smirks. Our government was about to be led by a parade of cable news pundits, reality show veterans, and political wild cards. Maybe the logic was that after interplanetary ambitions and tie deliberations, this would seem normal.

Part 5: Trump’s Take

We heard Trump before we saw him. “We’ve got the best people,” he boomed from down the hall. “Winners. No losers.” He strode into the Deciderium, tie swaying. As he caught our collective mood, he paused.

“What’s wrong with you people?” he demanded, glancing around. “We’ve got a dream team. Everyone loves Pete! And who wouldn’t trust Dr. Oz with, you know, medical… stuff?”

We struggled to form words. Trump rolled his eyes. “Haters. Always haters. These are disruptors—change agents. We’ll shake things up!” And with that, he retreated, muttering something about “Mars colonization experts” possibly being next.

Part 6: Coming Attractions

As Trump left, we remained, still processing. Soon there would be confirmation hearings, press briefings, and furious Twitter storms. There would be attempts to redefine “expertise” and spin every questionable credential as a bold asset. We needed a game plan—maybe a flowchart mapping out each nominee’s controversies and catchphrases?

For now, we exhaled collectively, resigned to the fact that, once again, Trump had turned reality into something unrecognizable. We’d watch as these appointments stumbled through televised interviews and senatorial grilling sessions. We’d brace for the inevitable scandals and bizarre soundbites.

Because in Trump World, settling into stable governance was never the point. It was always about the show—and the show must go on.

Yours in silent skepticism and looming dread,
Existential Sigh Emitter and Background Check Overloader