Episode 15: The Great Trump Gift Debacle

Things in the Trump Tower Transitionarium took a bizarre turn this week when Donald J. Trump, rummaging through what he called his “legacy inventory,” unearthed a treasure trove of unsold Trump-branded merchandise.

The discovery—2,000 Trump gold watches, 1,000 Trump guitars, and a staggering 8 million Trump Bibles—prompted what can only be described as a gifting spree that ended in what is now being whispered about in diplomatic circles as The Toilet Incident.

Part 1: Unearthing the Trump Treasures

It began when Eric Trump, in his usual mission to “make storage great again,” stumbled upon several crates marked “Trump Premium Products—Excess Stock” in the Tower’s basement. The haul included gold watches engraved with “The Best Time is Trump Time,” guitars that inexplicably had no strings but bore the slogan “Strumming for Greatness,” and mountains of Trump Bibles, each featuring a foreword penned by Trump himself that began, “Nobody reads the Bible better than me.”

Ecstatic, Trump declared the find a "golden opportunity" for diplomacy. “This is big, folks,” he announced during an impromptu meeting in the Golden Briefing Atrium. “I’m talking the ultimate power move. We’ll send this to Putin. He loves gifts. Everyone loves gifts. And trust me, no one’s ever given a gift like this before.”

Part 2: Operation Russian Gifting

The Transitionarium quickly shifted into high gear. Interns frantically polished the watches, glued decals onto the guitars, and bundled the Bibles into what was dubbed The Trump Greatness Package. Kellyanne Conway suggested including a handwritten note, but Trump vetoed it, saying, “The products speak for themselves. Also, my handwriting’s too valuable for this.”

Jared Kushner, ever cautious, pointed out that the Kremlin might find such a gift... unusual. Trump dismissed the concern. “Putin loves me,” he said confidently. “He’ll see this as a sign of respect. Very classy. Very luxurious. Nobody sends gifts better than me.”

Part 3: Putin’s Response

The shipment left Trump Tower in a fleet of gold-painted trucks, accompanied by a Trump Tower security detail dressed in tuxedos. The package arrived in Moscow with much fanfare—or so we thought. Two days later, a message arrived via the Russian ambassador.

No one knows the exact wording of the message because, as soon as it was delivered, Trump’s famously orange complexion drained to a ghostly white. Reports from the room describe Trump sitting in stunned silence, gripping a Diet Coke, as the ambassador departed with an awkward bow.

Eventually, Kellyanne Conway broke the silence. “Sir, what did the message say?”

Trump, his voice barely above a whisper, muttered, “Something... about a toilet.”

Part 4: Damage Control

The Transitionarium was thrown into full-blown crisis mode. Speculation swirled about the meaning of Putin’s message.

Did the watches remind him of bathroom fixtures? Were the guitars mistaken for plunger handles? Did the Bibles somehow violate Russian plumbing codes?

Eric Trump, attempting to help, Googled “Russia + toilets + watches” and accidentally stumbled on an obscure Russian idiom involving gold gifts and waste. The revelation did not help the situation.

Rudy Giuliani, ever eager to intervene, suggested issuing a public statement clarifying that “Trump products are absolutely NOT meant for toilet use.” This idea was quickly shelved.

Part 5: Trump’s Reaction

For the rest of the day, Trump refused to discuss the incident, waving off all questions with an uncharacteristic, “Let’s move on. We’ve got bigger fish to fry. Big fish.” However, he did instruct the staff to quietly recall the remaining inventory of Trump Bibles from storage, muttering something about “not trusting them around foreigners.”

Meanwhile, Melania, ever enigmatic, offered no comment on the matter, instead retreating to the Aesthetic Crisis Suite with Rudy Giuliani and a fresh box of prototype Eau de Winning samples. “Something about orange resilience,” she reportedly said as the door closed behind her.

Part 6: Coming Attractions

As the dust settles, Trump appears determined to save face, reportedly mulling over a new diplomatic gesture involving Trump Tower-branded bathrobes and a large inflatable MAGA blimp. In the meantime, the Kremlin remains silent, leaving the Transitionarium staff nervously awaiting the next move.

Rumors are already swirling about Trump’s next international initiative: building a luxury golf course near the Arctic Circle to “charm the penguins.” And as for the toilets? Let’s just say no one in the Transitionarium is eager to revisit The Gift Incident of 2024.

Yours in chaos and cluelessness,
Luxury Gift Coordinator and International Ego Damage Control Specialist