Episode 14: Mars, Musk, and Melania’s Mystery Meetings

It was another normal day in the Trump Tower Transitionarium, where “normal” means brainstorming ways to turn Greenland into a luxury resort while Eric Trump livestreams himself saying, “We’re winning!” into a mirror.

The topic of the day?

Filling a high-profile position in the administration—Trump's new Special Advisor on Global Domination (and possibly, Galactic Domination).

Our first pick was Bill Gates.

Surely a guy with billions, a legacy of innovation, and a mild obsession with solving humanity’s biggest problems would be a shoo-in.

Unfortunately, we forgot the cardinal rule of Trump World: solving humanity’s problems is less important than solving Trump’s ego.

Part 1: The Bill Gates Pitch

Jared Kushner, armed with a sleek PowerPoint titled Bill Gates: Friend or Future Trump Loyalist?, began the presentation in the Golden Briefing Atrium.

“Mr. President-elect, Bill Gates is an unparalleled innovator,” Jared began. “He’s eradicated diseases, improved sanitation worldwide, and—”

“Stop right there,” Trump interrupted, squinting at Jared as though he’d just suggested appointing a Democrat. “Sanitation? Diseases? Climate change? Those are... loser things. People don’t like hearing about toilets. Where’s the glamour? Where’s the pizzazz?”

“But, sir,” Jared stammered, “he’s worth over $100 billion.”

“Yeah, and what’s he doing with it? Toilets!” Trump retorted. “You know what I’d do with $100 billion? Build another Trump Tower. Maybe a Trump Pyramid. Big pyramids—bigger than Egypt’s. That’s what people want.”

Part 2: Enter Elon Musk

Before Jared could regroup, Trump raised a hand. “Now, you know who understands pizzazz? Elon Musk. The guy builds rockets! Electric cars! He’s a genius. People love geniuses. But, more importantly, he promised me something incredible.”

“What’s that?” Kellyanne Conway asked, cautiously intrigued.

Trump leaned forward dramatically, his eyes gleaming. “He’s going to make me President of Mars.”

Gasps filled the room. Jared’s PowerPoint clicker fell to the floor.

“Elon told me, ‘Mr. Trump, Mars needs leadership. They need winners.’ And who better than me? No one! That’s who!”

Eric Trump, taking notes furiously, muttered, “Mars. Such a good idea. Tremendous idea.”

Part 3: Billionaire Battle Plans

The Transitionarium’s war room was quickly transformed into “Operation Red Planet: Trump 2024 and Beyond.” Interns scrambled to update the Success Tracker, adding a section labeled “Martian Leadership Goals.” Meanwhile, Elon Musk arrived for a brainstorming session, wearing a SpaceX hoodie and carrying a model of a Martian colony labeled Trumpopolis.

The pitch was simple: Musk would handle the technicalities of colonizing Mars, while Trump provided “leadership, branding, and inspiration.” Elon even suggested building a replica Trump Tower on Mars, complete with a casino and a golden observation deck to “watch the Earth losers.”

“I love it,” Trump declared. “Biggest move in history. Earth presidents are fine. Mars presidents? Iconic.”

Part 4: Melania’s Mysterious Return

Amid the Martian excitement, Melania reappeared in the Aesthetic Crisis Suite with—who else—Rudy Giuliani in tow. The pair seemed oddly chummy, giggling over what appeared to be a box of prototype hair dye samples.

“Ah, my beautiful Melania,” Trump said when he spotted her. “Did you hear? Mars! You’ll be the first First Lady of Mars. Tremendous honor.”

Melania barely looked up. “That’s nice, Donald,” she said, inspecting a bottle labeled “Mars Mist: Rudy’s Red” and muttering something to Rudy about “color that doesn’t stain spacesuits.”

“Melania, what’s going on here?” Trump asked, gesturing to the samples.

“Nothing, darling,” she replied. “Rudy and I are just... collaborating. Big ideas. Very successful ideas.”

Trump raised an eyebrow. “Is this about the hair perfume again? Because people love that. Big hit. Very big.”

Melania just smiled enigmatically, leaving everyone in the room wondering what, exactly, she and Rudy were plotting.

Part 5: The Fallout

Unsurprisingly, the media had a field day. Headlines ranged from Trump Declares Bid for Martian Presidency to Giuliani and Melania: The Space Hair Conspiracy? Meanwhile, late-night hosts gleefully mocked the idea of Trump leading Mars, with one sketch depicting him attempting to trademark the Martian atmosphere.

As for Bill Gates, he released a polite but pointed statement:

Elon Musk, for his part, doubled down, tweeting:

Back in the Transitionarium, the staff worked overtime to reframe the chaos as a brilliant strategy. New slogans were floated, including:

• Mars Needs MAGA

• One Small Step for Trump, One Giant Leap for Greatness

• Elon & Don: The Ultimate Rocket Team

Part 6: Coming Attractions

As we gear up for the official “Mars Announcement Extravaganza,” whispers suggest Melania and Rudy are secretly working on a Martian version of Eau de Winning, rumored to smell like stardust and victory. Meanwhile, Trump has tasked Eric with designing a Martian flag—“something gold, something bold, but no aliens. People don’t like aliens.”

Stay tuned, because if you thought Earth was wild, Trump World is about to go interplanetary.

Yours in rockets and Rudy-related mysteries,
Intergalactic Liaison, Billionaire Placement Specialist, and Reluctant Martian Ambassador