Episode 11: Courts-Martial, Tee Times, and Freedom Gifts

Chaos reigned in the Trump Tower Transitionarium this morning, as it often does when two wildly unrelated plans collide in a flurry of gold-plated ambition.

On one hand, Trump was laser-focused on his bold new project: Operation Military Accountability 2.0.

On the other, he had just unveiled what he called “a tremendous idea for international diplomacy”: turning Scotland into a golf course, complete with a Statue of Liberty replica because, and I quote, “America deserves more statues and Scotland loves statues. Very classy statues.”

I’ll break this fever dream down in parts, because otherwise, I might lose my last shred of sanity.

Part 1: Courts-Martial, Trump-Style

The day began with the rollout of “Accountability Week,” a terrifyingly vague initiative involving binders labeled Military Justice: The Trump Way. Trump stormed into the Deciderium wearing a bomber jacket embroidered with “Commander-in-Chief Redux” and slammed a stack of papers onto the Accountability Throne (a desk chair upholstered in digital camo and faux stars).

“Folks,” he said, leaning forward dramatically, “we need to get tough. Very tough. Remember Afghanistan? Total disaster. But don’t worry. I’ve got a list—great list. The best list.”

The list, reportedly compiled by Eric Trump (who admitted he just Googled “generals involved in Afghanistan withdrawal”), included several top military officials, some of whom were already retired.

Trump’s plan? Courts-martial. Big ones. Televised ones. “Think The Apprentice, but with generals,” he mused. “America loves accountability. And they love ratings.”

Jared Kushner suggested this might be “a little... fraught,” but Trump waved him off. “What’s fraught is letting losers run the military. Not on my watch. Write that down.”

Part 2: The Scotland Situation

Meanwhile, the real show was unfolding in the Diplomatic Vision Room (formerly a janitor’s closet, now redecorated with tartan wallpaper and a hologram of Trump in a kilt). Here, Trump was outlining his Plan to Win Over Scotland.

“Here’s the thing,” Trump said, gesturing at a whiteboard filled with doodles of golf clubs and dollar signs. “Scotland loves me. They adore me. I’m giving them the best gift anyone’s ever given—a golf course! But not just any golf course. The WHOLE country. Plus, a Statue of Liberty. Bigger. Better. More American.”

Kellyanne Conway, trying to keep a straight face, asked, “How will we pay for this?”

“Simple,” Trump replied. “Scotland pays for it. They’re practically begging for more golf. I’m helping them out!”

Ivanka suggested calling it “Trump National Scotland: Home of Freedom and Pars.” Jared quietly Googled “international property law” in the corner, muttering something about “this probably being illegal.”

Part 3: A Whirlwind of Logistics

In typical Transitionarium fashion, the two plans merged into a chaotic hybrid event: the announcement of Military Justice and Scotland: The Freedom Course.

The Golden Briefing Atrium was transformed into a bizarre mix of courtroom drama and golf chic. One side featured mock military decor—complete with a gavel made from recycled tank parts—while the other had putting greens, bagpipes, and a miniature Statue of Liberty centerpiece.

Staff scrambled to finalize key details, including:

• Replacing gavels with golden golf clubs for courts-martial. (“It’s symbolic,” Trump explained.)

• Designing a “Statue of Liberty 2.0,” which Trump insisted should hold a golf club instead of a torch.

• Planning a live TV special titled Freedom Swings: Golf Diplomacy Meets Accountability.

Eric Trump, tasked with visualizing the golf course, sketched out what appeared to be a giant dollar sign-shaped fairway stretching across the Highlands. “It’s art!” he declared, ignoring Jared’s exasperated sigh.

Part 4: The Announcement Spectacle

Trump took to the podium wearing a tartan tie and a Commander-in-Chief hat. Behind him, interns had assembled a slideshow featuring dramatic images of helicopters leaving Afghanistan alongside glamour shots of Trump’s Scottish golf courses.

“Today, we’re doing two things,” Trump began. “One: we’re bringing accountability back to the military. Big accountability. And two: we’re giving Scotland a gift they’ll never forget. The greatest golf course in the world. A golf course of freedom!”

The crowd stared in stunned silence as he continued, “The Statue of Liberty 2.0? It’s going to inspire everyone. Scots, Americans, golfers—you name it. We’re making history!”

RFK Jr., in attendance for reasons no one could explain, leaned over to Jared and whispered, “I think he just annexed Scotland.”

Part 5: The Fallout

Unsurprisingly, the double announcement sparked chaos. Critics blasted the courts-martial plan as “legally dubious at best” and “a reality show in disguise.” Meanwhile, Scottish officials released a scathing statement:

Trump responded via Truth Social:

Meanwhile, Melania was spotted in the Aesthetic Crisis Suite muttering, “Why always statues? Why always golf?” as she flipped through brochures for Caribbean islands that “might be quieter.”

Part 6: Coming Attractions

As I type this, rumors are swirling about Trump’s next big move: combining Scotland: The Freedom Course with a MAGA-branded satellite launch called TrumpSpace: Golfing Among the Stars. The idea? A live golf tournament played in orbit.

Stay tuned, because if anyone can turn international incidents and golf into a Netflix-worthy spectacle, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Yours in plaid and perplexity,
Military Morale Manager, Golf Course Patriotism Consultant, and Reluctant Statue Enthusiast