Episode 10: RFK Jr., Needles, and the New Health Order

It was a relatively quiet day in the Transitionarium—quiet by our standards, meaning only two staffers had been locked in a debate over whether decorative syringes would make a better centerpiece than golden stethoscopes at Trump’s upcoming “America’s Healthiest Gala.”

I was minding my own business, organizing the office’s new supply of MAGA-branded vitamins (coming soon to Truth Social: Trump Gummies—The Best, Really!), when the boss burst into the room with his “Big Decision Face.”

“People,” Trump said, sweeping the MAGA vitamins off the table dramatically, “we’re shaking things up in the health world. Time to go bold, BIGLY bold. I’m talking... Bobby Kennedy Jr.”

The room went silent, save for Eric Trump, who whispered, “Like, the Kennedy? Are we... good with the Kennedys now?”

Part 1: The Announcement Bombshell

Trump explained the decision with his trademark flair. “Bobby’s got the name, the looks, and let’s be honest, the whole vaccine thing—it’s edgy. People love edgy. We’re talking headlines, folks! Health Secretary? He’s the guy!”

Kellyanne Conway nodded furiously while texting someone under the table. Jared Kushner leaned forward, tenting his fingers like he was considering the consequences of starting a minor civil war in the public health sector.

“Uh, Mr. President-elect,” he ventured cautiously, “you know RFK Jr. is, uh, controversial on vaccines, right?”

Trump waved him off. “Vaccines, schmackcines. He’s got that Kennedy mystique! Plus, no one’s ever done a Health Secretary like Bobby will. It’s ratings GOLD!”

Part 2: Operation Health Splash

Within hours, the Deciderium had been converted into a strategy room for RFK Jr.’s nomination rollout. A massive banner reading “Bobby K: A New Prescription for Winning” hung over the conference table. Staffers brainstormed ways to frame the nomination, balancing RFK Jr.’s vaccine skepticism with his other health-related ideas, like organic kale smoothies for diplomats and mandatory “sunshine breaks” in federal buildings.

Ideas included:

1. A Unity Health Panel: A town hall featuring RFK Jr., a pro-vaccine scientist, and Dr. Oz refereeing.

2. The Kennedy-Trump Crossover Campaign: MAGA hats with Kennedy-style initials embroidered in gold.

3. An Instagram Series: Bobby visiting hospitals while posing dramatically in front of MRI machines and autoclaves.

Melania suggested a soft launch at Mar-a-Lago’s wellness center, complete with a juice cleanse demonstration. “We make him look... how you say... holistic chic,” she said while flipping through Goop magazine for inspiration.

Part 3: The Press Circus

Trump officially announced the nomination at a press conference in the Healthiest Man Alive Hall—a room hastily redecorated with photos of Trump “exercising” (read: gesturing toward a treadmill).

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Trump began, basking in the flashing cameras, “we’re making health great again. And who better than Bobby Kennedy Jr.? The name! The legacy! The muscles—look at this guy!”

RFK Jr. took the podium, looking slightly bewildered but determined. “I’m honored to join the Trump team,” he began, pausing as the teleprompter flashed Insert Kennedy Charm Here. “Together, we’re going to rethink health, rebuild trust, and yes, have some hard conversations about vaccines and beyond.”

This last comment sparked audible gasps from the crowd, but Trump jumped back to the mic. “Hard conversations! Love that. So smart. Such a thinker. You know, Bobby’s always thinking. Like me. Big brain stuff.”

Part 4: The Backlash Backflip

Predictably, the media and public went into a frenzy. CNN ran the headline “Health Secretary or Conspiracy Theorist?” while Fox News split its coverage between glowing endorsements and awkward silence. Late-night comedians had a field day, with one sketch showing Trump and RFK Jr. consulting a Magic 8-Ball to decide vaccine policy.

RFK Jr. also didn’t help his case by tweeting, “Vaccines are a personal choice. But also, kale is underrated. #KennedyHealth.” This prompted Jared to launch a “Crisis Containment Task Force” to scour RFK Jr.’s social media history for anything else “super spicy.” Spoiler: they found plenty.

Back in the Transitionarium, Trump was unfazed. “Controversy is great! It’s like a free commercial,” he said while directing interns to Photoshop RFK Jr. onto Mount Rushmore “just to see how it looks.”

Part 5: The Spin Room

The staff quickly spun into overdrive to rebrand RFK Jr. as America’s Alternative Health Hero. Ideas included:

• A “Kennedy Detox Challenge” for influencers.

• MAGA-branded stethoscopes (“For Winning Diagnoses”).

• An official slogan: From Camelot to Carrot Juice: The Future of Health Is Now.

Meanwhile, Ivanka suggested RFK Jr. co-host a town hall on Truth Social called Vaccine Curious, which would feature a panel of experts, a smoothie bar, and live audience yoga breaks.

Part 6: Coming Attractions

As the dust settles, Trump seems more energized than ever. “This is a game-changer,” he declared, “but just wait until you see what’s next. Big things in health, folks. HUGE things.”

Rumor has it Trump’s next plan involves revamping the CDC by merging it with the FDA and renaming it “America’s Health Dream Team.” Early drafts of the logo feature a bald eagle holding a thermometer in one talon and a bottle of supplements in the other.

Stay tuned for the next installment, where I’ll likely be stuck moderating KaleGate or designing RFK Jr.’s official “Vaccine Diplomat” sash.

Yours in controversy and collagen supplements,
Controversy Containment Officer and Emergency Vitamin C Distributor