Episode 1: The Day of the Election

The scene at Trump Tower on Election Day could best be described as a gilded apocalypse.

In the penthouse-turned-command-center—now dubbed the "Victory Vault"—Donald J. Trump presided over what he called “the most tremendous, most historic election operation of all time,” surrounded by his team of misfits, sycophants, and a smattering of unpaid interns in MAGA capes.

Operation: Red Wave Tsunami

This election wasn’t just about winning—it was about “winning so hard people would beg us to lose a little,” Trump declared, clutching a golden Diet Coke goblet. The walls were lined with oversized LED screens cycling through swing-state maps, memes of Trump riding bald eagles, and an inexplicable live feed of Mar-a-Lago’s pool deck.

The team had been preparing for this day for weeks under the guidance of campaign guru Jared "The Silent Prince" Kushner and Ivanka, who had recently unveiled her new role as “Vibes Coordinator.” Her plan to improve morale? A mid-day aromatherapy break and a playlist of "Only the Best Patriotic Bangers."

Chaos in the War Room

Inside the Victory Vault, the air buzzed with tension—and a faint scent of Ivanka’s lavender-scented optimism mist.

Eric Trump, now officially the “Head of Voter Enthusiasm and Snack Logistics,” wandered in wearing a suit that appeared to be two sizes too big. “Dad, we’ve got a great idea! Popcorn machines at polling places—”

“ERIC, THIS ISN’T A COUNTY FAIR!” Trump bellowed, tossing a Sharpie at him. “Get Rudy in here!”

Rudy Giuliani emerged from behind a curtain, somehow already sweating through his suit. His new title, “Courtroom Preparedness Overlord,” had proven prophetic, as he held up a binder labeled Totally Real Affidavits. “We’ve got a plan to dispute any results we don’t like,” he assured the room. “Step one: yell loudly. Step two: keep yelling. Step three: ???”

“Brilliant,” Trump replied, before immediately taking credit for the strategy.

Brainstorming the Victory Speech

While Florida results began rolling in, Trump’s speechwriter-slash-golf-caddy (a new hire) nervously presented draft #34 of the victory speech.

“This is where you declare ‘historic landslide’ and promise every American their very own Trump Steak,” the caddy explained, trembling slightly.

“I like it,” Trump said. “But make it bigger. Landslide is weak. How about... ‘landmass’? No, wait. ‘Galactic win.’ Perfect.”

Melania appeared briefly to adjust the gold curtains behind Trump’s desk, her expression alternating between boredom and vague existential despair. No one asked why she was wearing sunglasses indoors.

The Election ‘Strategy’

Throughout the day, Trump’s team huddled over the ever-growing conspiracy wall, a sprawling corkboard decorated with red yarn, blurry photos of ballot drop boxes, and an inexplicable Post-It labeled “Find Bigfoot’s Vote.”

Steve Bannon, Skyping in from what appeared to be a bunker, proposed launching a campaign called “Stop the Count—But Only in Places We’re Losing.” The room cheered, and an intern was dispatched to print 10,000 “Stop/Start” rally signs with reversible slogans.

Meanwhile, Kimberly Guilfoyle tested a series of celebratory screams at various decibel levels in a corner. “It’s gotta be loud enough to shatter glass but not alienate the suburbs,” she explained.

The Teaser: What Comes Next?

As midnight approached, Trump leaned back in his gold-plated chair, surveying the scene with a mix of satisfaction and impatience.

“This is just the beginning,” he told the room. “After we win, we’re rolling out the biggest, boldest, most genius plan you’ve ever seen. I call it… Operation Forever Winner.”

What exactly is Operation Forever Winner? Will Rudy’s affidavit strategy hold up in court? And will Eric ever figure out the popcorn machine? Stay tuned for Episode 2, where the Trump team takes on the aftermath of Election Night—armed with golden staplers, ego-driven chaos, and just a hint of lavender mist.

Signing off from the Victory Vault—until next time.